Holy Betrothals, CaptainChaos!

Bonds update--5th inning, douch---I mean, Barry hasn't hit a homer. Yet. If he does, I hope Frank Robinson pulls a WWE and decks him.

UPDATE: Crap. Never mind. Although this remark from Bob Carpenter did bring me a smile, "In a city where anything goes, they're going to be celebrating tonight." Care to elaborate, Bob? Perhaps some extended visits to Castro Street?

UPDATE ON THE UPDATE: Hank Aaron, Noooooooooooo! I was holding out hope for a second that his head would appear on the screen with a simple "Aaron angry" or something. Thought he was a Bond (no pun intended) villain for a second. "If you do not erase that home run from the books, I will be forced to use my laser satellite to level the entire Bay Area." Oh well. By the way, how contrived and classless is it to stop a game to celebrate ANY individual achievement. "We don't value individual records more than winning games...just sometimes." Didn't exactly see anyone rushing the field to congratulate him.

Anyway, this column by Mike Wise is just pretty awesome. Wise chronicles how Johnny White Guy has become CaptainChaos, the timing of which is appropos because CaptainChaos is getting engaged. And apparently, Chris Cooley not only enjoys love triangles with cheerleaders (in more ways than one?) but also going to strip clubs with his new fiancee...and her aunt and uncle too. What?!?!?!

"Over the spring, Chris, Christy, Scott, her uncle Craig and aunt Shannon ended up at Vixens Gentlemen's Club in West Virginia for what turned out to be a family outing.

"Everyone knew who Chris was," Christy said. "The owner came out, they gave us VIP treatment and all of a sudden I look up and the strippers are dancing to 'Hail to the Redskins.' It was crazy."

Not to mention, celebrating his fiancee's birthday with her Dad like a college frat boy.

"That's where the Oglevees come in. According to Chris, they know a good time. In honor of Christy's 21st birthday last year, Christy's father, Scott, and Cooley threw back 21 shots of Jim Beam bourbon. Apiece. "Oh, we were hurtin'," Cooley said."

Not only is CC now the clear heir apparent to Sonny Jurgensen and John Riggins on this team now, but his fiancee's family sounds awesome/insane.

He also parties with Lil E:

"Courtesy of Joe Gibbs Racing, they ended up in Tony Stewart's pit at a NASCAR race and later threw back beers with Dale Earnhardt Jr.

"Awesome," Cooley said. "We went and said hi to Dale and he said, 'You want to come party tonight?' So we said, 'Sure.' He says, 'Catch my helicopter over to the house when the race ends.' Dude, you had to see this place."

And he got his nickname from introducing himself as Captain Chaos to the team captains of an opposing team after the coin toss:

"Captain Chaos was born in 2005 when former teammate Brian Kozlowski bet Cooley $100 he would not introduce himself as such to the St. Louis Rams' captains before a game. "There were five captains," Cooley said. "I looked every one in the face and said: 'I'm Captain Chaos. Nice to meet you.' " Reebok made a T-shirt and it stuck."

Dudes, my mind has been blown. Amazing stuff by Kornheiser Lite. Frankly, I'm a little surprised he scooped Agent Steinzz on this stuff. Steinzz needs to step up his game a little bit and rise to the challenge here.